How To Win A Frog Jump Contest
By John Pulliam
(originally published in Snohomish County Tribune, July 9, 1982)
Year after year, hundreds of local people splash into nearby ponds and lakes in search of a champion – a frog that can outjump all competitors at Kla Ha Ya days. Their quest is a serious one; determined hunters clad in fluorescent orange hipwaders, armed with flashlight and a large, empty mayonnaise jar, struggle through watery muck hoping to find that special frog, the one that will leap home with the prize money.
The idea seems simple enough. You grab a frog, enter them into the contest, and hope they win. But most novices, unaware of the sensitivity and careful training needed to turn a wild bullfrog into a willing competitor, bluster through the event with an untrained amphibian. They usually attribute their loss to bad luck.
That is nonsense.
Like any sport, frog-jumping requires discipline, a rigorous list of dos and don’ts that might make the difference between first place and a mud puddle. Here are some tips on frog training:
catch your own frog
Never trade for talent. Instead take young frogs and work them through your system. Experienced frogs have more jumping savvy, but are also more susceptible to rotator cuff injuries and frogstring pulls. Younger frogs are easier to teach and are eager to learn. Old frogs are often crotchety and have a tendency to vote conservative.
DON’T MAKE JOKES ABOUT YOUR FROG
Nothing inhibits a frog faster than a wisecrack about his slimy skin or a glib comment about how good his legs would taste deepfried in a Bisquick batter. Frogs have fragile egos and nasty remarks will quickly lower their self-esteem. They have even been known to commit frogicide.
To keep your frog’s spirits high, compliment them often. Buy them a new pair of sunglasses and tell them how sexy they look.
NEVER KEEP A FROG IN A SHOEBOX
Putting your frog in a cardboard jail is detrimental to their growth. Frogs are by nature claustrophobic, and extended time in solitary confinement may make them croak. Instead of banishing a frog to a shoebox, let him live in the house as part of the family. They could watch TV with the kids (frogs love “The Incredible Hulk”) or sit on your arm as you read the newspaper.
NEVER LET THE SQUEAMISH HOLD YOUR FROG
Ten gets you one that they will accidentally drop your investment onto the pavement every time.
CLOTHES DON’T MAKE THE FROG
Some trainers have a tendency to overdress their frog: t-shirts lettered with names of prestigious frog jumping events, expensive Adidas garb, and cushioned Nikes. I prefer an inconspicuous Munsingwear shirt, preferably in an earth tone.
DONT GIVE YOUR FROG ANYTHING CHEMICAL
In a movie that came out about 10 years ago, Ray Milland played an industrialist who dumped waste chemicals into a nearby swamp. The native amphibians ingested the toxic goo, became radioactive, and finally mutated into gargantuan man-eating frogs. At the end of the movie, Milland is accorded his just desserts when a frog monster grabs him with a sticky tongue and gobbles him faster than you can say “Charles DeGaulle.” Nuff said.
SIMULATE ACTUAL CONTEST CONDITIONS
Find a patch of blacktop, wet it down good with a garden hose, and then find about a thousand people to cheer your frog on. Nothing like a crowd to help you find focus. Sustained applause fattens your frog’s ego and increases their drive. More than one losing frog has blamed a poor performance on the lack of a good crowd.
NO BEER OR SPIRITS ON THE NIGHT BEFORE A CONTEST
This rule, of course, only applies to the frog. Trainers are excluded.
WHAT ABOUT AEROBICS?
This is a question that has recently hopped into the field of frog physiology. Many swear these exercises increase muscle tone, strengthen the cardiovascular system, and help build endurance. But most frogs don’t wear Danskins because they make them look fat.
PRE-CONTEST PREPARATION
Remember: no shoeboxes. Just put your athlete on a wet washcloth and let them sit on the car’s front seat between Mom and Dad. When you pass in front of the high school, hold your frog up so he can see how the construction is coming along. Let him stretch out in the car before you get there, then tape one of their legs to their abdomen. This will give your frog a noticeable fake limp, allowing knowing bettors an advantage regarding any wagers he may have committed to.
If your frog develops butterflies, give him a reassuring kiss just before his jump. Be careful, though: Princes may be disqualified.
DURING THE EVENT
Never stomp your shoe behind your frog to entice him to jump — more than a few careers have ended prematurely due to misplaced encouragement.
AFTER THE CONTEST
Hold your temper if you lost the competition. If you toss your frog into the crowd after a miserable performance, you may regret it later, or even wind up in the middle of a lawsuit. Dropping your former friend into a nearby commode is a cleaner disposal, and often more satisfying.
Should you happen to win, take your frog out to dinner. Don’t be embarrassed if they happen to order a fly in their soup.
PREPARING FOR NEXT YEAR
Frog stud farms will be a reality in the near future. But for now, the wild bullfrog is the thoroughbred. In my opinion, I believe that a frog who conquers a tough upbringing and battles against a society that treats him like a lesser species, often proves to be the stronger frog in the clutch.
Just the thought of farms raising little froglets benignly nibbling on Purina Frog Chow sickens me. Is the threat of rank commercialism invading yet another of America’s remaining “pure” sports? Who knows? If things keep up this way, don’t be surprised if your favorite frog might be trying to sell you a light beer on television!